A friend recently asked me what discipline method I use with my children. I fumbled with an immediate response. But this is a topic I have considered so deeply, that I later wrote out some thoughts. This is what I wrote:

My two children, a daughter and a son, are 12 and 10 1/2. All through these years I have wrestled, adjusted, read about, and thought deeply on the issue of parenting. I have not mastered it, but with my own continuing maturity and the blessing of hindsight, I understand more than when I began.

I was fortunate to have had role models, friends, and mentors along my route. One role model of note is Jette Foss. Her gentle, even, thoughtful demeanor has been a constant goal to move towards. My intense and direct character is often a challenge to my attainment of something resembling Jette’s pacific personality. Yet, I have made great internal progress that affects my outward actions. I do know peace. I have been fortunate to know Carl Peterson, who, among other things, has repeated to me whenever we have met to love my children and to tend to the relationship. George Streisinger taught me the value of my own enthusiasm, to believe in it, to fight my tendency to judge others, and to embrace life and choose to see what is good in those around me.

I came from a fairly standard authoritarian American household that used corporal and verbal punishment. There was praise directed largely at things accomplished, or at behavior in comparison to less than stellar behavior on someone else’s part. My mother would disagree when I state that there was little encouragement, but I believe that I have come to understand encouragement in a different way than she does. I no longer say that as criticism; although I would have at an earlier time.

I have tried many things with my children including various types of punishment (excluding spanking). I have discovered that punishment does not work and reinforces the child’s desire to defy. I have tried time-outs and discovered they are of help in particular situations, for instance when parent or child or both need time to cool off. However, the child will participate in this best when there is a solid and trusting relationship with the parent, and when allowed to decide for himself when his behavior will allow him to rejoin the family. I know this from first-hand experience.

I have tried consequences, natural and otherwise. They often devolve into punishment. If the parent can remain centered, then consequences are part of the natural relationship and not exterior to it. They function best in that way, without any conscious or unconscious desire to punish.

Carl’s edict to tend to the relationship is the central pillar in good, effective, compassionate parenting. It means much more than being nice. The best teachers teach in a way that gains their students’ cooperation. That is exactly what a good parent must do, she MUST parent in a way to EARN her child’s cooperation. This naturally excludes dishonesty, coercion, and permissiveness (which means a lack of boundaries & an unsafe environment). This is the parent as irresistibly positive interactions, and not the target of desperate attempts for approval.

More important is what parenting includes. And these are so much more difficult when you have to learn them, when they are not natural because you weren’t taught them yourself. Be an excellent role model. Do not denigrate yourself for errors, but work hard at modeling good behavior. Children are sponges. They hear and they see EVERYTHING that we do, then they do it.

Divert attention when behavior is less than what is wanted or needed. Try, try, try to ignore bad behavior or correct it with diversion. Do everything possible (while keeping your child safe) not to give attention to bad behavior. Maybe the undesired behavior will be short-lived, maybe you can offer something in its place, maybe you can take a short break. Every “no,” every negative you provide must be balanced by many more “yeses,” many more positives. I can’t remember what the ratio is, 6:1 yes:no, 10:1 yes:no? Doesn’t really matter; it is many more yeses than nos.

Do not engage with your child’s no. Go around it or let it go around you like a good martial arts move. Don’t react to it, you will reinforce it. Do not argue with your child. Cheerfully and confidently find another route, or (excuse me) shut up. I don’t mean exclude, I mean we (parents) talk too much sometimes (at least, I do). State your case, get off the subject, move on.

Encourage, encourage, encourage, encourage. This is different than praise. Don’t make your child beg for attention through praise. Make sure your child knows you always love them—show them. Notice great, healthy, mature (for their age) behavior. Unlink their egos from what they do. Should they feel a twinge when doing something they oughtn’t? Yes, but they should not feel that they are bad people – ever. The twinge should be about what they’re doing, not who they are. In a strongly cooperative relationship, disapproval from a parent will be considered carefully by the child; the child will self-correct. Parental disapproval is overtly ignored or acknowledged as desirable attention by children who are coerced or uncooperative, and, I believe, damages their self-esteem.

Be your child’s mentor, her teacher. Embrace that idea with all your heart. Seek your inner peace and, even more, your strength and wisdom. Show that to your child. Lead with enthusiasm and with joy. That is what the best teachers do.

Will you be tired sometimes? Will you snap at your child sometimes? Will your child misbehave? Yes. Cool off, and laugh about it later. With practice, those negative moments will lessen; although they may never completely disappear. Give yourself space to learn, practice, and make mistakes. Remember to encourage yourself and believe in your own abilities. You cannot love your child if you cannot love yourself.

For the scientific reader who may categorize my assertions as Mary Poppins wishful thinking, consider this: there is evidence that significant time spent receiving negative messages from others or self-generating them can damage or hamper healthy brain development. The science is clear that positive thoughts, flexible thinking, and cooperative behavior naturally releases chemicals that enhance our happiness. Neuroscience has flourished in the last fifteen or so years. There is ample scientific literature available for the skeptical reader to investigate.

Jette, Carl, George, and many others have treated me with respect. They have not dangled rewards before me to entice me to be nice. We must treat our children with the respect we expect as adults. Let us parent with dignity, ask for help when we need it, love ourselves, love our children, and tend to the relationship with all. I am so grateful to have heard those messages